by Mike Kruger, with some help from my friends
The 2005 Evanston Bicycle Club schedule contains a variety of rides at various paces, various destinations, various lengths, and various times. At first glance, it seems to include all possible rides, but that’s not actually the case. Some rides didn’t make the cut, such as these:
Dogma Ride Pace: very fast Leader: Butch
Butch has connected all the spots with dogs who love to chase and snap at your legs, and come up with this route which is great for interval training. Don’t be the slowest cyclist on this ride!
ER Ride Pace: orderly
This ride visits various sites where club members have had accidents in the past few years. In some cases, the skid marks are still there on the road!
Brickyard Tour Pace: fast Leader: Red
This route winds through the brick sidestreets of Wilmette, allowing you to pretend you are riding in one of those spring European classics as you bump along. This ride goes rain or shine. Lunch at the Klay Oven restaurant.
Pot-Wholistic Ride Pace: transcencental Leader: Deepak
This is the ride for all of your who want a chance to show off that full suspension bike. We’ll head up Sheridan Road and try to hit the maximum number of potholes. Anyone who gets a pinch flat will be dropped. At the rest stop, we will do Tai Chi to gently get rid of any road tension. Whoever hits the most potholes gets a free lunch at the Whole Foods deli. Be one with the road!
Critical Mass Winnetka Remote start: Winnetka Starbucks 5:30 p.m. last Friday of the month.
Ride together to protest the oppressive regime that keeps bikes off Sheridan Rd between Tower and Scott, and ghettoizes bicycles to the sidewalk on Winnetka Road. Bring bail money. Should you, or any member of Critical Mass Winnetka, be caught, or photographed, the secretary will disavow all knowledge of your actions. This ride summary will self-destruct in five seconds. [Can anybody confirm that the Winnetka police lockup uses Lou Malnati as a caterer?]
Show’n’NoGo Remote Start: Panera
Nominally a 7 a.m. start, we sit around, drink coffee and gossip a bit. We decide it looks like rain and wait until it clears up, and have some more coffee. Eventually we order lunch.
Tour de Major Arterial Remote start: Golf Road traffic circle
A selection of very busy roads frequented by trucks, buses, emergency vehicles, and commuters in a hurry. Route will include numerous railroad crossings, traffic lights. No regrouping, dark clothing only. Ride leaves near sundown and heads due west toward Schaumberg. Lights permitted but not intended. Use of the f-word to talk to passing motorists will be required, with prizes awarded for originality.
Stockyard Ramble, Hog Farm Hejira, or Pulp Mills Perambulation Remote start: I-94 truck stop
Enjoy not only the sights and sounds, but also the smells of cycling scenic and odiferous roads. We?ll be stopping for a lunch of red beans and rice, chili dogs, and garlic paste because by then who cares what everyone in front of you is doing. Frequent regroups and stops at the sleaziest bathrooms we can find. Clean shorts optional.
Lung Tasting Tour
Drop it into the big ring and hammer hammer hammer out of the parking lot. Bring your scabs and your attitude. Special sag vehicles will maintain a constant 16 m.p.h. pace and force stragglers off the road. Inclement weather will move ride to local sports bar, where there will be continually arguing over who would have ridden whom off their wheel at Smuggler?s Notch. Custom bicycles only please.
Recovery Ride Pace: Just fast enough to produce complaints
Just getting back from an injury, riding like you are, or maybe just looking for a little sympathy? This is the ride for you. Easy pace allows for conserving breath for whining whining whining. No complaint is disallowed. One-upsmanship will be graded. Rider with the worst proven injury and most obnoxious complaint will be given a gag at the end of the ride. Maximum two visible open sores per rider.
Mooch Ride
Live off the land on this ride. Don?t bring a pen, a sign-up sheet, a tube, patch kit or a pump. We?ll head up the North Branch trail on a nice Sunday and borrow gear from passerby if there are any breakdowns. Rest stop at Panera where we?ll eat the free samples of bagels and cream cheese, or we?ll get taste spoons of ice cream at Baskin-Robbins.
Poser Ride
We?ll put our bikes on our SUV?s and drive to various park and ride lots, then ride a short distance to a nearby trendy coffee house or deli from each lot. We?ll only ride on perfect roads so put on your special event wheels for maximum admiration from the masses. Please make sure your jersey, shorts and socks match. New bar tape and water bottles are mandatory. Bring $50 for snacks and drinks.
Tour de Thunderbird.
No vineyards or tasting rooms on this two-wheeled adventure. Instead, we?ll cruise the industrial part of town, stopping at several of the club?s favorite drive-through liquor stores to stock up on Cheetohs and top off our "water" bottles. Cycling apparel discouraged; suggested attire is early Salvation Army. And make sure those handlebars are in the fully upgright and locked position (that?s right: bar ends to the sky, folks!). We?ll be collecting aluminum cans along the way to fund the post-ride malt-liquor blowout, and you?ll need someplace to tie on your 50-gallon plastic bag to hold the booty. No sag support unless somebody still has a VALID drivers license. Meet at 9 am Sunday at the blood bank.
Little Debbie Season Opener Out?n?Back Training Ride.
Break out the Relaxed Fit spandex, sling on the feedbag, pump up the tires to 135 psi, and lets? roll! We?ll meet at Dunkin Donuts, go hard (5-7 mph) for 4 miles, regroup at the Golden Corral for the Sunday Brunch All-You-Can-Eat special, and then head back to the starting point. Make sure you bring a couple of sleeves of Archway cookies to avoid the dreaded bonk. Bring some Gold Bond powder and baby oil to ease the discomfort of early-season chafed inner thighs.
The Cop and Castle
At midnight we will start at Dunkin Donuts, go to White Castle, go to another Dunkin Donuts, followed by another White Castle ... and so forth until dawn.
Cell Phony Ride
Need practice talking on the phone while biking? We?ll exchange numbers at the start, and call each other during the ride to practice taking calls without breaking pace.
Rosehill Cemetery 24 hour challenge
Instead of hiring additional security guards at Halloween, Rosehill Cemetery has allowed us to organize a 24 hour challenge. We start at 7 a.m. at the mausoleum and ride loops through the Cemetery on Halloween until the next morning. Free Halloween candy at rest stops. You qualify for the Race Across America if you do at least 400 miles in 24 hours. Costumes optional -- you will look like a zombie by the end, anyway.
Random Walk Show?n?Go
At each intersection we will roll a die. We turn left if the die is a "1", right if it is a "6". Otherwise we continue straight.
Donut Race Northbrook Velodrome
This is a fun race with rest stops where racers can use the facilities and get donuts. For every donut eaten, five minutes is deducted from your official finish time. All donuts must be eaten in the feed zone, and if you upchuck on the new track you are disqualified.
Hockey Night in Chicago Leader: Arthur Wirtz
We?ll ride to the United Center and take in a Blackhawks game.
